I'm having a tough morning - a type that I haven't had for while. It might have something to do with drinking and eating too much wine and cheese last night, or it might have something to do with just taking mental inventory of things, lately. I think it's a combination of both.
Sometimes I wish I didn't feel so urgent, or feel like I need to take care of things that really are not my concern. Most of the time I don't, but when the feeling is there, it's like a boot heel to the skull. I feel like I don't quite "get" people, even people I've known for quite a while. I'm not sure how to react - not in an insecure type way - but more in a "I really am not understanding or connecting with this experience or you" way. I'm hyper-irritated and easily disgusted by people's actions. I feel like I have to really try to make people believe I'm a good person and care what they are going through, when really I just want to sit and indifferently shake my head at them, or not listen at all. I grow weary easily. I'm probably going through a phase that I need to go through. That this will all teach me something. Maybe it's that, yes, I did drink a little too much last night and was way socially overstimulated, which always puts me in a funk, but it has been going on for a while. Instead of feeling regretful, though, I'm feeling like it's an excuse not to be that social. It sounds horrible, I know. It's not that I don't care at all, it's just that I'm feeling drained. We are all adults and we will go, and have gone, through some tough times. I know I have, but I just don't want to be dragged down by someone else's junk. I find myself missing old friends - wishing for different times and personalities. Not that they were better. Not that at all, but different; they were more of what I need right now in my surroundings... stability, patience, self-reliance, reciprocal. I just miss them.
Anyway, went to a friend's last night. Had good times, concerned times, and all that in between. Lots of wine and cheese were taken in by all. Old friends were in town. Overall, a good night, but I don't want to do it again for a while.
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1 comments:
I know exactly how you feel and lately have been going through some of the same iterations. When on the phone with a friend last week, rather than tell her what I really thought of her and her life, I started to just ignore the conversation and contemplate revising the friends list. I think it comes down to simply being in a different phase of life. I too think back to friends that I felt were more on my level and long to have more of them in my life.
Good luck.
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